The more conscious I was of goodness（善良） and of all that was "sublime and beautiful," the more deeply I sank into my mire（泥潭） and the more ready I was to sink in it altogether.
But the chief（重要的） point was that all this was, as it were, not accidental in me, but as though it were bound to （必然）be so.
It was as though it were my most normal condition, and not in the least disease or depravity（堕落）, so that at last all desire in me to struggle against this depravity passed.
It ended by my almost believing (perhaps actually believing) that this was perhaps my normal condition.
But at first, in the beginning, what agonies I endured in that struggle!
I did not believe it was the same with other people, and all my life I hid this fact about myself as a secret.
I was ashamed (even now, perhaps, I am ashamed): I got to the point of feeling a sort of secret abnormal, despicable（卑劣的） enjoyment in returning home to my corner on some disgusting Petersburg night, acutely（尖锐的） conscious that that day I had committed a loathsome（令人憎恨的） action again, that what was done could never be undone, and secretly, inwardly （思想上的）gnawing（痛苦的）, gnawing at myself for it, tearing and consuming（消耗） myself till at last the bitterness turned into a sort of shameful accursed sweetness, and at last - into positive real enjoyment!
Yes, into enjoyment, into enjoyment!
I insist upon that.
I have spoken of this because I keep wanting to know for a fact whether other people feel such enjoyment?
I will explain; the enjoyment was just from the too intense consciousness of one's own degradation（堕落）; it was from feeling oneself that one had reached the last barrier, that it was horrible, but that it could not be otherwise; that there was no escape for you; that you never could become a different man; that even if time and faith were still left you to change into something different you would most likely not wish to change; or if you did wish to, even then you would do nothing; because perhaps in reality there was nothing for you to change into. 本章未完，请点击下一页继续阅读！ 第2页/共3页
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