And the worst of it was, and the root of it all, that it was all in accord with the normal fundamental laws of over-acute （过度敏锐）consciousness, and with the inertia（惯性） that was the direct result of those laws, and that consequently one was not only unable to change but could do absolutely nothing.
Thus it would follow, as the result of acute consciousness, that one is not to blame in being a scoundrel（恶棍）; as though that were any consolation （安慰）to the scoundrel once he has come to realise that he actually is a scoundrel.
But enough.... Ech, I have talked a lot of nonsense（废话）, but what have I explained? How is enjoyment in this to be explained?
But I will explain it.
I will get to the bottom of it!（水落石出）
That is why I have taken up my pen....
I, for instance, have a great deal of（许多） AMOUR PROPRE（自尊心）. I am as suspicious and prone（倾向于） to take offence as a humpback（驼背） or a dwarf（侏儒）.
But upon my word I sometimes have had moments when if I had happened to be slapped （被掴耳光）in the face I should, perhaps, have been positively glad of it.
I say, in earnest（坦诚地讲）, that I should probably have been able to discover even in that a peculiar（特殊的） sort of enjoyment - the enjoyment, of course, of despair; but in despair there are the most intense enjoyments, especially when one is very acutely conscious of the hopelessness of one's position.
And when one is slapped in the face - why then the consciousness of being rubbed into a pulp （纸浆）would positively overwhelm one.
The worst of it is, look at it which way one will, it still turns out that I was always the most to blame in everything.
And what is most humiliating（丢脸的） of all, to blame for no fault of my own but, so to say, through the laws of nature.
In the first place, to blame because I am cleverer than any of the people surrounding me.
(I have always considered myself cleverer than any of the people surrounding me, and sometimes, would you beli- eve it, have been positively ashamed of it.At any rate, I have all my life, as it were, turned my eyes away and never could look people straight in the face.)
To blame, finally, because even if I had had magnanimity,（宽宏大量） I should only have had more suffering from the sense of its uselessness.
I should certainly have never been able to do anything from being magnanimous - neither to forgive, for my assailant（攻击者） would perhaps have slapped me from the laws of nature, and one cannot forgive the laws of nature; nor to forget, for even if it were owing to the laws of nature, it is insulting（无礼的） all the same.
Finally, even if I had wanted to be anything but magnanimous, had desired on the contrary to revenge（报复） myself on my assailant, I could not have revenged myself on any one for anything because I should certainly never have made up my mind to do anything, even if I had been able to.
Why should I not have made up my mind?
About that in particular I want to say a few words.
或许是因为这篇文章实在诙谐，岑越崎忽然理解了英语的魅力，可以跨越时空跨越空间和几百年前的人们思考同样的问题，进行心灵上的对话。
因为痛苦绝对不是孤立存在的，个体的痛苦往往和时代洪流交织穿插，在历史长河中不断重演。
岑越崎合上书页，叹了口气。
窗外不知何时起淅淅沥沥下起了雨，打在玻璃上，留下一道道雨痕。他抬起头，若有所思地望向窗外。
天气时有晴雨，生活常有困境，但人们总归不是能被任意摆布的。
只要还有思考，就还有力量，还有反抗的勇气，还有重建的信心。
那他就祝自己的命运同着随风摇荡的如芦苇般的思想一样自由。
注：文段摘自陀思妥耶夫斯基的《地下室手记》（Notes from the Underground）
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第4章 Freedom Is Consciousness
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